Just all too much to take in a day.

Death. loneliness. paranoia. -- these things are so hard to take in a day.  

Death makes life so surreal.  It's like one day you're still alive and kicking, then the next you're 6 feet under the ground.  I'll never understand the logic behind dying at a very tender age.  It's just so unfair. It's like life's telling you "hey, I'm a bitch. Imma punch you anytime, anywhere".  It's like "be careful" doesn't make sense at all, because after all, we're gonna die anyway.  

I've never been so lonely in my whole life.  I have people around me and yet something's missing.  And this loneliness is so scary.  I just can't stop crying.  I want my family, I want my brothers to be here.  I want to be with my boyfriend.  I want to be happy, just like my any normal day.  I want this loneliness out of me. It's going to tear me apart.  

I've never been the paranoid one.  I always think of happy thoughts.  I'm Miss Brightside for crying out loud.  And now, I just don't understand, how paranoia suddenly crept up my system.  It irritating, it's like I want to throw things and shout. It's messing with my head and crashing down my confidence. I don't want to be an insecure bitch. I'm not like this and I hate it so much.  And I can't tell this to the very important person in my life because I'm scared of what he might think about me.  

I'm starting to be a loss cause.  I want my sound sleeps back. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want my happiness back.  

Catching Up

Yes, I have a lot of catching up to do.  It's been awhile, I can't even remember the last time I wrote here. 

Anyway, I finally had my well-deserved vacation.  I went back to Baguio for 10 days because it's my brothers' graduation. Here... 

Shoti laki's Chinese graduation

Shoti liit's graduation. And yes, please look for the black sheep! :D 

And I was also able to hang out with my best friends! :D Weeeee.  It's been a while and I was so glad I saw them again.  

But then, the highlight of my vacation -- I ate one day old chick, again after 5 years! :D

yes guys, this is an odoks! :D YUM!! :D 

I also hang out with my family.  We went to a hot spring resort.  I was able to try steam bath which was a very funny experience :)) 

the gang ;) 

We also made a side trip in Manila for a few days.  I had fun getting lost inside a mall with little brother.  If we didn't get lost, I wouldn't able to see the Etude shop and find the band shirts I've been looking for. 

So yeah, this summer is pretty much fun.  I hope the fun won't stop.  And yes, things between boyfriend and I are good, I couldn't ask for more :) 

P.S.: Little brother is here in Davao.  Sad, though, that Shoti laki can't come here because of their early enrollment (he's entering college now!) So, so proud of my two brothers :) 

Everyday ♥

Got a letter in the mail today
And I'm glad you're doing fine
You tell me you're missing me
And it's cold in New York City


Well me and the girls, we're alright
Thinking about you night after night
And if you feel the same way too
Just imagine me whispering to you


Everyday I'll always love you
Everyday I'm always thinking of you
Everyday's another lonely day without you
Everyday you're here beside me
Everyday I'm always dreaming of you
Everyday I will be right here waiting for you
Everyday . . .


It's another long and sleepless night
And thoughts run through my mind
Guess I'm just feeling lonely
It's been so empty since you've been gone


I'll be holding on for it won't be long
I'll be counting the days 'til I see you home
I know you feel the way I do
Just remember the words I'll say to you

Calling all dads

Hey Pa, what up? You've been on my dreams for 2 nights already and it makes me miss you even more T.T
Sigh, i miss you, Pa.
I can imagine if you're still with us, you could have strangled the guy who broke my heart on my birthday and during the holidays. But then again, if you would see me this happy, you would change your mind from strangling the guy to just being the strict and "be-careful-on-your-next-move-I'm-watching kind of dad.
I really miss having a dad. Having a dad around makes you feel more secured.  


So, to all the dads out there, please, please take care of yourselves, especially if you have daughters.  Your kids will need you not only when they're young, but more so, when they start to grow up and become men and women of their generations. Trust me when I say it's really heartbreaking to lose the first man they ever love. 

01.30.11

Especially for you
I wanna let you know what I was
Going through
All the time we were apart I thought
Of you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
I still feel the same 

Especially for you
I wanna tell you I was feeling that
Way too
And if dreams were wings, you
Know
I would have flown to you
To be where you are
No matter how far
And now that I'm next to you 

No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the sorrow
I've got to say
It's all because of you 

And now were back together,
Together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you 

Especially for you
I wanna tell you, you mean all the world to me
How I'm certain that our love was
Meant to be
You changed my life
You showed me the way
And now that I'm next to you 

I've waited long enough to find you
I wanna put all the hurt behind you
And I wanna bring out all the love
Inside you, oh and
Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you 

You were in my heart
My love never changed
And now that I'm next to you
No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the
Sorrow
I've got to say
It's all because of you 

And Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you 

Together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you

01.09.11

Thank you.
Thank you for giving me the chance to realize that I am capable of giving unconditional love, a true love I thought I've already seen before.
It is only this time that I could proudly say that I love someone truly.  Regardless of the person's imperfections and short-comings; of the person's inconsistencies and dilemmas.  I finally learned to love a person for everything that he was, he is, and he will be in the future.  
Being able to feel this way, liberated me in a whole new level.  It showed me a lot of things, made me realize a lot of things.  It really taught me patience and compassion for the other person.  I forgot how to get mad or get even, or even get cold.  The pain I felt was nothing compared to the happiness I feel just seeing the person happy.  
Being able to understand the person no matter how absurd it might seem to other people is surprisingly rewarding.  
I also learned that when we truly love someone, we never question whether the person deserves it or not.  Unconditional love knows no questions and boundaries and limitations. It is always absolute. 
Thank you Lord for making this person an instrument for teaching and showing me what true love is. . .

1.1.11

January 1, 2011 (wow, i still don't get the hang of typing 2011, i typed 2010)

So, anyway, it's new year. 2010 had been, i don't know how to put it; it had been very kind, very giving, and very mean to me. It started with a blast. Then surprised me during the summer. It asked me to do a very important decision that definitely changed my life. It had been very nice during the 1st half of the year, it started my 2nd half with travels and good news.  But it had been very mean when it neared the last part of the year. Needless to say, 2010 had been a very bumpy ride and i'll be perfectly hypocrite if i wouldn't say i loved the ride, somehow.  2010 taught me a lot of things.  Elaborating all the lessons that i've learned wouldn't be necessary anymore, for what's important is that i've learned. 

2010 wouldn't be one hell of a year without the people who had been a great part of the said year.  And as usual, and i'll never get tired of saying this, THANK YOU -- 2 words i'll never,ever forget.  

So there, so long 2010, hello 2011. (i still don't know how to welcome 2011, i'm still in a bit of a limbo, you see.)