A letter to the grave.

Hey Pa, what up? I can smell flowers in the living room right now, so yea, I miss you too :). It's been 4 years Pa, and I never moved on.  As they say, nobody moves on when a loved one dies, they just get use to the fact that they're not here anymore. I miss you a lot Pa.  I miss it when you ask me to do something, I miss it when we eat out, I miss it when we want to watch movies, horror or suspense for that matter, I miss it when you would eventually fall asleep once we start watching those movies, but what I really miss is when you make me feel that you're proud of me and of what I do.  Guess what Pa, shoti laki and shoti liit are really active members of Bell Church and shoti laki won 1st place on an Impromptu Speech in English. I'm so proud of them and I know you are just as proud as I am. 

After 4 years, though, I'm still studying.  I shifted course.  I'm sorry Pa. I know you would want me to finish HRM, but I can't do it anymore.  I'm so sorry I'm such a mess and a screw-up. I failed you Pa. I'm so sorry.  Don't worry, I'm trying my best to make you proud again.  This is the career that I really want to pursue. 

It's sad, though, that you wouldn't be with us when we grow up.  You wouldn't meet my boyfriend now, and shoti laki's girlfriend and shoti liit's future girlfriend.  We can't chill together.  You wouldn't be here to see how much we have changed.  But I'm not complaining with God's plan to get you at a young age.  He has better plans.  I couldn't bear to see you suffering should you be able to survive your attack 4 years ago.  I believe God took you because you were ready to be with Him.  

This is kinda long already. See you in the future Pa (I was suppose to type soon, but then I realized, not yet Pa, I kinda have a lot of things to do first). But I know, we'll be together again.  I really miss you Pa. I love you. 

Pug Is LOVE

Hi! I was scanning my journal when all of a sudden, I want to have a pug! I know, I'm so weird. But, anyway, I want a pug :D I want, want, want! They're so cute and adorable, especially their cute and expressive eyes. Awww <3 Makes me want to take them home and give them lotsa love :). Haaaaayyy, they're so cute. Now I know what I want for Christmas or my birthday! :D I want a pug, or if not, an External Hard Drive, heee :3. But,anyway, I want a pug, a male pug that is. And it should be black :D. Asking for a pug isn't too much, right? ;) 

Cutie Pattotie! I want to cuddle it! <3

10-28-10

Hi there. I'm trying to write what I feel. I used to do it but now I don't know why I'm having a hard time doing it. Maybe it's because I'm holding back and I don't know why I should hold back, it's not like a lot of people are reading my posts. 

So, anyway, I miss boyfriend.  I miss him even more just thinking that he would be here for the holidays. We've been trying to survive our long distance relationship for 6 months already and so far, we've been doing great <3.  However, it kinda scares me when I think of the future.  The thought that maybe we'll have an expiration date scares me.  I pray we won't have that (expiration date).  I don't like having him as an ex-lover. Ugh. Why am I having this feelings, in the first place? It's not that he's giving me any reasons for me to feel this. Sigh.  I really don't want to think about this, because once I start having this thought, I have the tendency to over-think and over-thinking is not healthy for me. It can make me crazy for like days until this odd feeling goes away. 

Sigh, I just want to sleep this feeling away. . .

P.S.: I miss my brothers,too. I can't wait for next year, I would like to see them and hang out with them.

10-27-10

Hi! Yes this is the recent me. And yes, I FAT. But the heck! I like it better :) 

And another one! :P

Just sharing. I've been wanting to perfect this Asian-open mouth-pacute look! And I'm not exactly sure if I get it already. What do you think? O.o

"Don't give your everything when you're in love, because when he leaves you, you'll be left with nothing and end up crying and hurt"

I've been hearing this line for so many years already. I used to believe on this but I realized that this line only works for those who don't really know how to love.  Sorry, no offense meant, but I think people who believe on this are scaredy cats and selfish. 

Yes, I was a scaredy cat and selfish before.  I entered in relationships but I didn't give my everything to it; I didn't give my full trust, my full love, and yes, I was also selfish, too.  Ironic, though, because when all these relationships ended, I was left crying and hurt.  And I also ended up thinking a lot of "what ifs". 

That's why I realized that when we enter in a relationship, we must give everything to it to make it work. So what if we would look stupid once in a while? It's okay, it's normal.  And, our partner deserves our full love and trust and loyalty.  I'm not saying that by giving everything would give us an assurance that our relationships would work.  No, that's not what I'm trying to point out.  Nothing can give us an assurance that relationships will last.  What I'm trying to say is, should our relationships don't last, at least, we know on ourselves that we can love truly, that we did our part. And should it last, then we know on ourselves that we really deserve it because we worked hard on it and we've been true to our partner and to the relationship since day 1. 

And don't worry about not being able to love again after getting hurt.  We can still love after this, the fact that we're still alive is an indication that we are still capable of loving <3

I'm Sorry.

I'm Sorry.

Yes. I'm sorry to all the people that I hurt and people I didn't know I hurt. 

I'm also sorry to the people I used to be close with but I didn't know what happen, we just drifted apart. 

I'm also sorry to the people I don't get to talk with anymore because, well,  I don't know, maybe I'm too scared to talk with you again.

Yes, I'm sorry, I really am. 

I miss being with these people that I hurt, that I drifted apart with, and that I don't get to talk with anymore. I want everything to be okay again. And, well, as much as I want it to be okay, I think I just have to wait for the right time to come.  I still believe that when the right time comes everything would be okay. 

Few years back, I have a friend and we had a very ugly fight. A fight that was really ugly and messy. And so, we stayed enemies for how many weeks.  Until one day, I learned that my friend had a near-death experience. The moment I learned about it, I got scared and thought: "my goodness! what if that friend died? I never get to say sorry to that friend" It was creepy and I felt like crying that time.  I was just glad that my friend is still alive until now.  The very sad part though, that friend and I still don't get to talk.  Sure ,we  can get to see each other once in a while, but we still don't get to talk.  I would love to talk to that friend but I just don't have the balls to do it.  I hope, before this year ends, I get to talk to that friend, so that everything would be okay. And to the rest of the people that I owe an apology. 

Good morning! 

It's 6:22am and I haven't had sleep. I downloaded Season 6, Episode 2 of How I Met Your Mother but the episode was not complete D: 

So, I just browsed my Music folder and listened to 500 Days of Summer, Jennifer's Body, and Juno soundtrack. And I thought of something,...why not play some of the songs from the soundtracks on one of jam sessions with Barbie? I checked all the chords of the songs we would like to play and all of them are easy-peasy. Nothing that Barbie can't strum :D 

Paging Barbie: Pssssssttt.... Let's start practicing,oki? I thought of the song line up already. =]