06-24-11

Warning: This will all be random shits

Time flies by so fast, like really fast. 

I looked into my brother's recent photos and that's when it hit me -- he's all grown up already.  He's starting college and he looks like a big man now.  Well, he looks a bit like father.  I can still remember vividly how I would tease him and make lambing to kiss me or ask for his permission to bite him. 

I just miss those times when he was still a kid.  How I wish I could go back to those times and be less mean to him and be more patient.  Ahhh. . .good times, good times.  They're just really the good times.  They'll be memories from the past that I would never get tired of sharing with other people. 

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Sigh. I miss writing. I don't know what happened but it seems to me that I'm having a writer's block.  I miss how I would immediately write about something.  Ugh.  I hate this unwanted hiatus in writing. Oh well, pretty soon, I hope, I'd be back.

P.S.: To the Big Man Up There, I'm kinda lonely right now.  I'm bothered by things I shouldn't be bothered with.  I need Thy comfort and please let things be okay. Thank you. -,- 

Just all too much to take in a day.

Death. loneliness. paranoia. -- these things are so hard to take in a day.  

Death makes life so surreal.  It's like one day you're still alive and kicking, then the next you're 6 feet under the ground.  I'll never understand the logic behind dying at a very tender age.  It's just so unfair. It's like life's telling you "hey, I'm a bitch. Imma punch you anytime, anywhere".  It's like "be careful" doesn't make sense at all, because after all, we're gonna die anyway.  

I've never been so lonely in my whole life.  I have people around me and yet something's missing.  And this loneliness is so scary.  I just can't stop crying.  I want my family, I want my brothers to be here.  I want to be with my boyfriend.  I want to be happy, just like my any normal day.  I want this loneliness out of me. It's going to tear me apart.  

I've never been the paranoid one.  I always think of happy thoughts.  I'm Miss Brightside for crying out loud.  And now, I just don't understand, how paranoia suddenly crept up my system.  It irritating, it's like I want to throw things and shout. It's messing with my head and crashing down my confidence. I don't want to be an insecure bitch. I'm not like this and I hate it so much.  And I can't tell this to the very important person in my life because I'm scared of what he might think about me.  

I'm starting to be a loss cause.  I want my sound sleeps back. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want my happiness back.