Just all too much to take in a day.

Death. loneliness. paranoia. -- these things are so hard to take in a day.  

Death makes life so surreal.  It's like one day you're still alive and kicking, then the next you're 6 feet under the ground.  I'll never understand the logic behind dying at a very tender age.  It's just so unfair. It's like life's telling you "hey, I'm a bitch. Imma punch you anytime, anywhere".  It's like "be careful" doesn't make sense at all, because after all, we're gonna die anyway.  

I've never been so lonely in my whole life.  I have people around me and yet something's missing.  And this loneliness is so scary.  I just can't stop crying.  I want my family, I want my brothers to be here.  I want to be with my boyfriend.  I want to be happy, just like my any normal day.  I want this loneliness out of me. It's going to tear me apart.  

I've never been the paranoid one.  I always think of happy thoughts.  I'm Miss Brightside for crying out loud.  And now, I just don't understand, how paranoia suddenly crept up my system.  It irritating, it's like I want to throw things and shout. It's messing with my head and crashing down my confidence. I don't want to be an insecure bitch. I'm not like this and I hate it so much.  And I can't tell this to the very important person in my life because I'm scared of what he might think about me.  

I'm starting to be a loss cause.  I want my sound sleeps back. I don't want to cry anymore.  I want my happiness back.